Time makes fools of us all

I frequently reflect on what my life was likeWhat is kinda funny to me is that three or four years ago, I wrote out some of the goals for I had for the next five years--well, I got as far as planning 2013-2015. It involved stuff like learning programming, and getting a new job.

Of course, I sure as hell didn't do any of that.

I did plenty of things in that time that were just as goal-worthy. But it was more like, 2013: accidentally dig up all of the trauma all at once 2014: start medication, come out as trans, change name, learn how to trust people 2015: start understanding various symptoms as being PTSD, (re)discover personal identity, discover life goals and direction 2016: start HRT, legally change my name, "I might as well have BPD so let's go from there," and some other difficult things I won't talk about in public

I have accepted at this point that I do not have much control over how I challenge myself right now. It feels like I will just know when I am "done" enough to start working on other things. Ideally, I will start getting into some kind of hobby that is good for my mental health. Maybe I will write a finished manuscript I can show to an agent. Maybe I'll paint my friend's house to look like a wizard lives there.

It doesn't bother me that I can't tell where I'm going--it just means that I'm in uncharted territory. There are similar experiences out there, and I learn what I can from them, but the result of that learning is just that I am prepared for whatever happens to me. I feel more confident than ever about how prepared I am.

Continuing the map metaphor, I want to show people my path and what I have been able to discover in this territory. Don't take the path I did, though–I deliberately made this more difficult for myself. I dove head first into things that I knew were mistakes, so that I could know why they were mistakes. I have to share that information with someone.